


Oops (I Did It Again)

by ModernArt2012



Series: You remind me of (Home) and other assorted works [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Again, Gen, Prompt 1: Magical Mishap, Shapeshifting, Sumigakure Halloween Event 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-27 08:32:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12577824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernArt2012/pseuds/ModernArt2012
Summary: “Bastard. What have you done.” Jiraiya paws at himself frantically, trying to find anything that vaguely resembled his old body. Small comfort that he had a navel, but nothing else matched. “If you’ve Disappeared my balls, I’m going to kill you.”





	Oops (I Did It Again)

**Author's Note:**

> Still in the same Modern with Magic Universe as You remind me of (Home) and Grave Robbing for Fun and Profit (Mostly Profit)

“Bastard. What have you done.” Jiraiya paws at himself frantically, trying to find anything that vaguely resembled his old body. Small comfort that he had a navel, but  _ nothing else matched _ . “If you’ve Disappeared my balls, I’m going to kill you.”

 

Orochimaru pauses in reviewing the spell he had been fiddling with. “See, I’m not entirely sure I have done anything to your genitals. They’re just a little different from before.” He turns back to Tsunade, “I think maybe the text was slightly misleading about the precise nature of the ‘disguises’. Or what we thought was a ram seal is possibly something else.”

 

Jiraiya claws at Orochimaru, “ _ How am I supposed to pick up chicks like this, bastard?! _ ” This time the Bastard ignores him, instead watching Tsunade try and form hand signs with her new appendages. It’s startlingly clear that it’s a losing endeavor, but she keeps trying anyways. That’s Tsunade after all, stubborn when she wants to be. Even missing parts.

 

Jiraiya bolts upright, “ _ YOU DISAPPEARED TSUNADE’S BOOBS _ .  _ THERE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN MUCH, BUT THEY WERE THERE. _ ” He gets slapped before he can properly explicate the tragedy that is Tsunade’s missing mammaries - she only just started wearing V necked shirts! - but does discover that whatever else may have happened, they still have magic available to them. The packaging is just what’s different. “Owwwwww.” 

 

Facial expressions are also the same, another piece of information that is good to know. Orochimaru shuts the book closed pointedly. “There’s nothing for it. We’re going to need to see Professor Sarutobi.” And that sends shivers down Jiraiya’s spine. No one wanted to deal with Sensei after they had ... accidents. He had the worst  _ disappointed _ look, okay. 

 

“We’re already in his office, can’t we just wait here? He gets out of class soon, we just have to be patient.” He’s not sweating, you’re sweating. 

 

Tsunade is resigned to her fate, though, “And let Sensei know that we got anywhere near his precious antique texts while.... Indisposed to perform proper handling techniques? And after he told us not to mess with this specific spell? I like living Jiraiya.”

 

Orochimaru, the Bastard concurs, “There’s no point dwelling on the  _ known _ . The fact remains, we need to return to our normal forms. And Sensei is perhaps the best suited for the job.”

 

“Professor Senju could! Or Professor Uzumaki!” Jiraiya blurts. Two people who were blood-obligated to help Tsunade. And not tell Sensei. That was the crucial bit, really, since Tsunade’s relatives were unlikely to kill them dead by dint of blood-relation (or approximation thereof) and Sensei had no such compunction against doing so. 

 

“We’re not going to Mom about this! She’d leave us like this just so ‘we learn our lesson’!” Tsunade snarls, and wow it was just as terrifying as any other time. Pro to this form, no obvious awkward boners getting him slapped. Things might be looking up. Orochimaru glares at him disgustedly. Scratch that, apparently he’s still liable to get slapped. 

 

“Maybe, next time you want to participate in advances in magic, you should help out instead of writing the filth you call ‘romances’ while lazing around.” Orochimaru resettles himself aloofly, as if he was perfectly at ease like this. 

 

Jiraiya can feel his hair standing on end in rage, “Maybe next time you shouldn’t mess with magic before you know precisely what it does. This is the seventh time you’ve done something like this to us, Bastard! You go right in without thinking of the consequences, because you  _ have _ to know. And then you get us involved in your messes!”

 

Orochimaru hisses back, “At least I’m contributing to the advancement of humanity, instead of lowering minds into the gutter.”

 

It’s the last straw, that uptight Bastard on his high horse pretending he’s above it all. Jiraiya comes out swinging lashing Orochimaru across the face, and gets a powerful kick to the stomach. There are distinct advantages to fighting in a smaller body, primarily that leaping is much easier with more places to land. Maneuvering around the bendy son of a bitch is still difficult, since Orochimaru is still flexible and Jiraiya... isn’t. It’s not his fault he’s built okay. Okay, maybe it is, Jiraiya goes to the gym regularly, but he’s also naturally a bit broader than the Bastard and that’s not really conducive to the whole “flexibility” thing. 

 

Up until Jiraiya gets tossed into Tsunade and then it becomes something of a free for all. He’s not sure who’s swiping at who, or who’s attacks he’s doging, but he’s pretty sure Tsunade broke the couch and Orochimaru is at fault for the coffee table. In the interest of not hanging his best friends out to dry, he’ll take responsibility for the vase, even though it was already broken when they started fighting. 

 

It’s in the middle of the yelling, fighting, and general pandemonium of the three of them doing their level best to end each other that they overlook a critical detail. Namely, Sensei returning. They’re only alerted to the fact they have visitors by a high pitched whine and they look over to see Kagami trying his level best to die at will and Sensei has broken his own rules and brought out his pipe.

 

“Heeeeey Sensei. What are you doing here?” Jiraiya would like to have it noted that he’s the best at acting nonchalant, and the looks of incredulity that he gets in response gives them the chance to extract themselves from the pile of limbs they had wound up in and look like sane individuals who weren’t caught rolling around on their mentor’s rug squabbling like particularly murderous children. Granted, the Bastard is terrible at looking innocent and just looks constipated, but it's a work in progress.

 

“This is my office.” And look at Sensei, exercising his wit. Gods know that he didn’t get enough of a chance around Kagami. It’s fine, Kagami needs someone responsible in his life and everyone knows it won’t be Dr. Utatane in the Political Science department after the  International Incident thing. 

 

“At least we didn’t blow up?” He has to offer something okay, anything that speaks to the bright side of this situation. “That’s a thing with experimental magic, right?” Orochimaru and Tsunade turn to him with looks of utter betrayal. Come on, he’s the only one trying to save their hides!

 

Kagami blanches and pulls out a spray bottle from somewhere to spray the Bastard in the face. “Bad Minion!” Then he sprays Jiraiya and Tsunade too, “Bad Minions!” 

 

Sensei drags deeply from his pipe - Jiraiya hopes it’s the Good Stuff he brought back from southern Hi no Kuni, that stuff could relax anyone - before speaking. “You messed with experimental magic. And turned yourselves into a cat,” He nods at Orochimaru, “A tanuki,” Jiraiya, “and a binturong.” Finally at Tsunade. He sighs deeply. “ _ Again _ .” 

 

Tsunade winces, “We’ve never had these ... particular bodies before.” 

 

Sensei continues like he hadn’t heard. “This is the fourth time this semester you’ve changed shape to something beyond what is your normal, human, form. Do we need to have a refresher course on Self Esteem and being happy with the way you look?”

 

In chorus, because the first time around that seminar had been horrifying, “No Sensei.”

 

Sensei nods once with finality. “Kagami, go fetch Professor Senju and Professor Uzumaki. If they’ve done what I think they’ve done, they’re going to be necessary to undo it.” 

 

“ _ Bastard, what have you done. _ ” 


End file.
